Monday, July 4, 2011

Seven months today...

Today is 7 months since my dad passed away, specifically at 1:53pm. I cannot believe more than half a year has passed since the saddest day of my life. I miss him terribly, not a day goes by without thinking about him.

I am so thankful to have had the relationship I had with him. I know there are many who are not so lucky. I saw my dad at lest 5 days a week, if not more. We were always close. He was stubborn and often drove me batty but I loved him so very much. I had 38 years and 10 months with him, all of which went by much too quickly.

I think very often of the 4 weeks he spent in the hospital. I have never been on such an emotional rollercoaster as I was then. I spent every minute I could at the hospital. Somehow I kept the business going with as little time from me as possible and I am thankful that my hubby understood that I needed to be there every minute possible. Even in those last 2 weeks when he was not with us most of the time, I still had to be there to sit by his bedside, hold his hand, rub his shoulder, waiting and wondering what would happen.

Of his 4 weeks in the hospital, he was home for one day and there was one day I did not make it up to see him. It was the day before he went home for one day, his first stay. He was feeling much better that day and they predicted he would go home the next day. I used that day to get caught up on work and even worked late. I spoke to my mom a couple times throughout the day to check on him. I remember very well one of the later phone calls when he told her to tell me that he missed me and he loved me. The one day I could not make it up there and I felt SO guilty... But I know he understood why I could not be.

As hard as those final days were, I am thankful to have had them. He was surrounded by family, even as far as California and New Jersey. I have never shed so many tears in my life as I did those last days. And while I know that we made the right decision, it is still the hardest decision ever made. It is not fun to play God and decide when it is the right time for someone to die. And while we, unfortunately, never had the important conversations that we should have that may have made it all a little easier (although easier is not the right word), I think we all knew in our hearts that he never would have wanted to be in that hospital bed with all those tubes and machines keeping him alive. When he pulled his feeding tube out on what would be his last night, he was making it very clear what he wanted.

I miss you every single day, Daddy. I put on a brave face and go through the each day as I should and as I need to. But you are in my my thoughts and in my heart every single minute. Like I said to you in your last moments.... You were the best father ever and I will miss you forever.

I love you, Daddy.

No comments:

Post a Comment