Approaching 40

As my birthday is quickly approaching, just a couple weeks away, this coming week I am reminded why I dread turning 40.

I know, it's just a number. It doesn't shouldn't mean anything. But it does. It is a reminder to me of how much I dislike my body and what it cannot do.

Five years ago this week, I had a miscarriage. Since then, my body has been poked, prodded, medicated, tested, operated on, and more, all to no avail. Five years ago this week, we lost the baby we were supposed to have. We should have a 4 year old child. But we don't.

Everyone has reasons to dislike their body. Before being momentarily pregnant and then losing it in the blink of any eye, I would tell you I didn't like my body because I wasn't thin, I didn't like my butt, legs, whatever. While I STILL dislike those things about my body, it seems so minor compared to not being able to have a baby, to be labeled "infertile" by doctors.

The last several years have been rough. ROUGH in all capital letters. Losing a baby, running two businesses at once, the crash of the economy and all the stress from that, the above mentioned poking and prodding, losing our Sweet Sammi dog, and losing Daddy last year. My body has taken a beating, - physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I do my best to not think about the very real fact that we likely will never have a child. It is an awful thought to think about. Our resources are tapped, we have no alternatives, so I do my best to focus on everything else. Hence, one of the many reasons I am making 2012 MY year. The year to take care of myself. I am determined to make the year that I turn 40 the one to remember by losing the weight I've put on the last several years, to do not one but two half-marathons this year, and as many 5Ks as I can. I want to take control back on my body and show it that I am in charge, not  it.

It's a struggle, it always will be. It's so easy to not care about what I eat or drink or if I sit on the couch every day and not walk or workout. It's easy to fall into that trap. My body can't do what I want it to do, why should I be good to it? But that won't get me anywhere, except depressed.

I am changing that. And somehow, someway, I will one day learn to accept the other facts. Maybe.

National Infertility Awareness Week - Bust A Myth!

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. RESOLVE and the infertility community are busting myths and telling truths about common myths and misconceptions of being “infertile”.

Myth:  “Maybe you aren’t meant to have a child…”

I want to bust this myth into next week. This is quite possibly the worst statement I have ever heard in our 4+ years of trying to have a baby.

Any kind of TTC advice I’ve gotten I’ve always tried to take lightly.  Certain things work for some and not for others. I have decided that the ability to get pregnant is actually total luck. All stars have to be aligned and all has to be right in the land of fertility for those little swimmers to catch that egg. It really is a miracle that there are so many people in this world.

It wasn’t until we were momentarily pregnant in January 2007, after 5 months of trying, that I was faced with the word “miscarriage” on such a personal level. The minute I was in the midst of one, I heard of others I knew who had had one and sadly, just how common it really is. When you are trying to have a baby and watching ever so carefully for every little symptom you might have, and it’s therefore possible to know that you are pregnant VERY early, it is likely that you will experience an early miscarriage at some point. If you are not specifically “trying” and aren’t counting the days and keeping track of your cycle and so on, you may have had a miscarriage and will never know it.

But when you do have one, you should never have to hear “Maybe you aren’t meant to have a child.” It is the cruelest statement ever. Especially as time continues to pass without ever again having a positive pregnancy test no matter the extremes you go to. I’ve been poked, prodded, tested, medicated, operated on, all without success or even a real reason as to why it is not happening for us. I have not had one more positive pregnancy test since January 2007, despite our hopes, desires, and all the money we have spent.

Sure, I have to deal with the fact every day of my life that we will probably never be parents, that we probably waited too long, but it’s no one else’s place to tell me that I’m just not meant to be one. Not cool.

If you aren’t sure what to say to someone in my shoes, just say you’re sorry. That's it.

RESOLVE.org is a wonderful resource for those dealing with infertility, as well as for friends and family of those struggling. They have a lot of information for all aspects. Do what you can to support couples experiencing this heartbreaking disease. Visit RESOLVE today. Here are two very informative links: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  and  http://www.resolve.org/takecharge .