Starting over, again.

Today I did what I've been needing to do for awhile. There was no more denying my clothes not fitting like they used to, or my inability to control my appetite and how much I was eating. I needed something to keep me line since I can't seem to do it myself. I went back to Weight Watchers.

There is nothing like getting on the scale knowing it's going to read a number that is higher than you want it to be. Finding out just how high it is is even worse. I am all about being open and honest here on my blog, but for now, I don't want to admit what I weighed in at. It's higher than I've been in many many years and I don't like it. Not. One. Bit.

It's that kind of anger and frustration that I need to get me off my butt and do something about it. And I am the only one who can do it. I am excited about following the new PointsPlus program and see what all it has to offer. I am excited to plan my meals and have that structure that I need to stay on point.

I didn't stop going to Weight Watchers because I wanted to. I stopped going because when I got busy at work and needed every minute I could to do what I needed to and was bringing work home to do in the evenings, the easiest thing to give up to make time for that was my time at WW and working out. All of a sudden, my Friday mornings were spent wherever I had surveys or permitting or customer meetings, so I wasn't able to go to my WW meeting. When I would get home from work, instead of putting on my running shoes the minute I got home and running out the door, I was sitting down at my dining room table to continue to work on whatever I brought home with me. I was also eating whatever was quick and easy. All of this added up to extra pounds for me. Nobody's fault but mine. I didn't like it but I was doing what had to be done. This is where I need to find balance. I work to hard at work to keep things busy and I can't let being busy control my every minute and affect my wellness.

A good friend is doing WW too. I look forward to sharing recipes, thoughts, motivation, and more with her. I also just last night read a post on Colleen Bee Fit's blog about how she just reached her Lifetime weight goal. What an inspiration she is! Her before and after photos are incredible and she is so amazing. I guarantee you when I walked back in to Weight Watchers this morning, I was thinking about her meeting her goal. I want to again feel that excitement of getting to my goal weight and I want to br proud of myself for working my butt off.

It won't be easy. Lord knows my body doesn't respond like it used to. But nothing worth having is easy. It'll be hard to not eat everything in site and have to really limit those glasses of wine I so enjoy. On the flipside, I will enjoy foods that I love and I will be taking better care of myself. In return, I look forward to feeling better not only about how I look, but also about how I feel. I don't like being achy and sore all the time. My body is telling me something. And finally, I am listening. That is a very empowering thing.

I hope you'll follow me on my journey. Any support I can get is important to me and will motivate me to keep plugging away at this, one pound at a time, however long it takes.

Health and Wellness Goals for 2012

Happy New Year! Happy 2012!! I am happy to have a fresh start. Something about a new year that makes me feel like I have a chance to start over and get it right, yet again.

I hate to use the word resolutions, so I am going to use the word goals. I have a few health and wellness-related goals, and what better place to put them then here, where anyone can see them. I am all about accountability, so here goes.

1) Be nicer to myself in 2012. This is a hard one for me. I tend to get mad at my body for the things it can't do and then I don't care what I do to it. Mostly, eating. I love to eat, no surprise there, but I go through phases where I just flat out don't care how much I eat or what I eat. Screw it, I just don't care. Well, as fun as it is at that moment, I CAN'T DO THAT. I am fortunate to like and enjoy a lot of healthy foods and I should really focus on those more than the bad.

2) Do my best to stick to a regular walking/running routine even when I am too busy. This is another downfall of mine. When I get busy and have too much to do, my needs are the first to go. And ususally, any exercise I am currently into at the time goes out the window. It's the easiest thing to give up because I can't give up things like sleep, eat, take care of the dogs, etc... I CAN'T DO THAT. Everyone gets busy and it's hard to fit everything in. I need to lose my all-or-nothing mentality and remember that even if I don't have time for a 3-mile walk, 1-mile would be better than nothing. Over time it all adds up and it is good for my mental health.

3) Lose weight. I am having such a hard time with my weight these days. I'll address the "how much do I need to lose" on a later post. I know metabolism slows down as you get older and I am here to tell you that is true. But I have to find a way to make it work. I can't continue on this path of eating whatever I want, when I want because it tastes good. I CAN'T DO THAT. My short frame is not meant to be this weight. I can feel it, my body aches, and I don't like it. I know over time with proper eating and activity it will respond. It may happen slower than it has in the past, but I am confident that I can lose the weight.

4) Do more walking/running events. After signing up for my first half marathon the other day, I am already thinking about a second one. Yes, I am an over-achiever. I would like to do TWO half-marathons in 2012 and I would like to do THREE 5Ks. Here's the catch.... I want to run two of the 5Ks. I used to be able to run 3 miles at a time and I will get back there. I'm already looking into local events for the year.

5) Read more books. This one is totally non-health related, but it's something I'd like to do so it falls under the wellness category. With my current Kindle Fire obsession, I have plenty to read and I want to work towards a goal of 40 books for the year.

6) Keep up with my blog as regularly as possible. I'm not sure that when people read this they enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it, but it is so fun for me to do and makes me feel better. It's like my journal, a way to express my feelings and most of all, I can pretend to be a writer. Thank you to all who read this!

What are YOUR goals for 2012?

You know what time it is.... BYOC!!!

If you follow my blog, surely you know what BYOC is by now. I got this from my fave blogger Joanna, which she got from Drazil. I follow both of them. If you haven’t checked them out, now is the time to do so. After you read mine, of course. J Here goes...

I’m going to pick a person in your life – not knowing if you have a good or bad, existing or non-existent relationship with them – and your mission is to pick 5 words or traits or thoughts to describe them.
Your paternal grandmother.

      This is a really hard one….  She passed away when I was only 6 months old so I never knew her.  So,   this answer will be based on pictures I have seen of her.

Fashionable

Serious

Strong

Well-travelled

Stern

     I *really* wish I could answer this better and from actually knowing her. =(

What’s your all time favorite color to paint your nails? And your toes?

 My fave color for my toes is an OPI color, I’m Not Really A Waitress. I used to have a bottle at home and would take it with me when I had a pedi. I haven’t had a pedi in forever, not do I have the color anymore but I love it. It’s a dark red color.

I am a clear polish girl for my nails, when I have nails to paint. Color does not stay on me, it will always chip. When I used ot have my nails done, I would do French manicure but that requires nails other than mine. =)

Do you get along with your parents well?

This is an easy one – YES. My mom and I are best friends. We work together and get along very well and support each other in everything. =)

My dad and I were very close. I miss him so much. =(

Speaking of rainbows – rank the rainbow colors in the order you prefer.

Pink

Red

Blue

Yellow

Orange

Green

Purple

Pink is my first choice because it is my niece’s favorite color. Her whole world is pink and it’s adorable.

Repeat question. How was your week in real life and in blog land this week?

In real life, I busted my ass this week. I worked out hard, made some changes to my food choices, kept up the water, and it all paid off when I got on the scale this morning at WW and was down 2.4 pounds. I was ecstatic because I gained 2.6 pounds last week, so of course I had to get rid of those before I can move on. So now it’s time to move on to the next couple of pounds that is between me and my goal. Slowly but surely I will get there.

In blog land, I have been keeping up with my fave blogs although I have not had time to comment on them. I feel bad about that but working out hard means something has to give. But if I follow you, know I am reading up on your posts. J I wrote a pretty deep post on Wednesday about my dad. It was hard to write, I sat on it for a few days, but I’m glad I put it out there. It made me feel a little better. As I say each week, I hope to keep up with my blog this coming week and keep everyone entertained and coming back for more.

If you do your own BYOC, be sure to let me know so I can read it!

Give and Take

This past week marked 16 weeks back at WW for me. I had a gain, as expected, after the long holiday weekend of the 4th and a busy week. I need to work on being more prepared for the busy weeks so I stop using that as an excuse handle them better.

Let's start with my stats:
Current weight:  155.6
Total  lost: 10.2
This loss is down from 12.2 lbs. lost back on 06/03/11

Having been back at WW for 16 weeks now, I have been reminded how so much of it is give and take. Part of WW is learning how to handle different situations and to make wise decisions when it comes to eating. I do my best to always have fruit in the fridge, LOTS of water, and dinner is my biggest protein meal of the day. I also don't eat after 8:30 pm. 

Where I struggle is lunch during the week. My stress level has a tendency to dictate how good or bad I will be for lunch. The smoother my day is going, the better I'm going to be. If it is a bad day, all good intentions go out the window. Even if I started out the day by packing a lunch and calculating my points for the day, it doesn't matter at that point.

This is where that give and take comes in. If I give 110% and do everything I can - eat right, drinnk plenty of water, and get in plenty of activity - I will more than likely see results when I weigh-in. If I don't do all those things, it will also be reflected on the scale.

I am in control of my destiny on that scale. How hard do I want to work each week to make it happen? Do I want to kill myself to lose the weight as soon as possible? NO. Slow and steady whens the race... Do I want to do my best when I can yet still enjoy life and eating out and family meals, etc.... YES.

Would I like to be a little farther in my weight loss journey at this 16 week mark? YES. Maybe at my 10%.... Am I going to stress over it? NO. I made choices throughout these 16 weeks and this is where I am so far. Being down 10.2 lbs. is nothing to sneeze at. And that is going to keep me going.

A couple goals I am setting for myself this week:
- Keep up the 64 oz. of water a day. A couple days this week I did not meet that goal. I am also going to get back to posting it on FB when I reach my goal each day - helps to keep me accountable.
- Do my best to make time to walk at least 4 days this week, despite how busy I am.

What are some of your goals for the week?

I'm not sorry

Remember my guest blogger I had awhile back, Joanna from Diary of a Mad, Fat Woman? I love her blog, I read it daily. Of all the ones I follow, I find myself looking for her updates first. As a reminder, here is her guest post on my blog. One of the things I love most about her is that she is very real. She has daily struggles and she is not afraid to be honest and an open book.

Anyhow, today on her blog she blogged about not being sorry about things. I LOVE THIS. It can be the smallest thing or the biggest thing, it doesn't matter. It's important to her and she knows enough to not be sorry for it. So, you probably know where I'm going.... I am copying her idea and doing my own. Here we go.

I AM NOT SORRY for having McDonald's for lunch today. I drove 200 miles round trip today for work and the last thing on my mind was having a salad or some such point-friendly meal. We went through the drive through and I had a hamburger, fries, and coke and I enjoyed every single fattening, high-point, delicious bite of it. I have had a love affair with McD's french fries since I was a little girl and today was no different. What makes them so damn good?!

I AM NOT SORRY that I played hooky from work on Tuesday. Yes I had work to do and would have kept myself quite busy with it but it was so much fun to take Autumn to the sprayground and watch her play. How could I possibly choose work over fun time with her when given the option?

I AM NOT SORRY for hating Casey Anthony. She is a rotten, evil, disgusting person and I cannot believe she will go free next week. She was lucky enough to have a child and not only did she not care but she killed her and will walk free. Seriously, I HATE her.

I AM NOT SORRY for the time I take for myself to walk. I do stuff for other people all day long, walking is MY time. I need that time to unwind, clear my head, and for my mental health.

I AM NOT SORRY for being the strong-willed person that I am. My feelings about things that are important to me and I will stand behind them. If you don't like it, too damn bad.

I AM NOT SORRY for the effort we put forth to try and have a child. While I do not like the financial aspect of it, I know that we tried everything we could given our health and financial conditions.

I AM NOT SORRY that I am so picky about the people that I choose to trust and let into my little world.

I AM NOT SORRY for the hard work that my hubby and I put ourselves through because I know we both work hard to provide for each other. I do wish things weren't so hard all the time but I am not sorry for the time we put in.

I AM NOT SORRY for the attempts I make at being a better person, even if it doesn't work.

I AM NOT SORRY that I did not work out last night as I got to spend time with my hubby.

I AM NOT SORRY that much of our Saturday and Sunday were spent at home or running errands because ultimately it meant time spent together. No matter what we do, anytime spent with hubby is fine by me. And lately it seems like it's less and less.

I AM NOT SORRY that I don't get on a scale more than once a week. We have not had a working scale here at home in a few years and the only time I get on a scale is on Friday mornings at WW. I am not sorry that I no longer put myself through the torture of getting on the scale every single morning and seeing numbers fluctuate as much as 5 pounds in a day. For me, weighing myself daily does not work. It only feeds my OCD-tendencies and drives me insane.

An ah-ha moment!

I have been waiting for a moment such as this and it happened earlier today, making me smile in the midst of my crazy day. So much so that I am taking time out of the craziness to actually share it with everyone who is interested. Ready? Here goes....

My waist feels smaller and my shorts are too big on me.

I know what the scale says, that I've lost 10.8 lbs. (as of last week's weigh-in). But I had not yet had such a big ah-ha moment where I FELT like I was down 10.8 lbs. - until today. (I did comment to hubby last week that I felt like my hips were slimming down some, but it was not such a huge moment as this one).

It drives my hubby insane when I talk about losing weight. He, of course, thinks I'm perfect and that I don't need to lose weight. He loves me the way that I am. And Lord knows I love him a bazillion times over for that. (I would like to add here that even though he thinks I don't need to lose weight, he is very supportive of me being on WW and is proud of me when I have a good week and helps me get through the bad weigh-ins). But, back to my thought, I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for ME. I am the one stuck with this body and it is up to me to make the most of it. The joy of being able to wear the clothes that are currently too small for me in my closet will bring me immense happiness and will remind me that once again, I was able to take charge and feel better about how I look and feel. I will never be skinny, it's not in my genes to be skinny. I will always have curves and muscles, but I want to not stress over what I'm wearing for fear of it looking funny and not feeling comfortable in my skin. I want to be healthy. Bottom line.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's weigh-in update... I really feel like it could go either way. After having a 2 lb. loss two weeks in a row, I feel like it's more likely to have a gain. I did splurge on a couple meals this week (including Cold Stone!!) but I also walked ALOT and I've been keeping up with my 64 oz. of water a day. It's hard to not always focus on what the scale says, sometimes it's how our clothes fit. So, we shall see... Either way, I am ecstatic about my ah-ha moment.

Bye-bye 10 lbs...

Actually, 10.8 lbs. to be exact... The last two weeks, I've had a 2 lb. loss each week. The losses definitely make up for the gains and the frustration and irritation that goes along with it. Sometimes, even when we do everything right, our bodies still do not respond. But when my body does respond, it makes me very happy and it is very gratifying, and that motivates me ALOT.

So in my 12 weeks on WW, I have lost a total of 10.8 pounds, which puts me at 155. My ultimate goal is 130. My next goal is to reach my 10% which will put me in the 140's - I cannot wait to hit my 10%!

Here's a photo my hubby took of me on Friday. I figured after losing 10 lbs., it was time for a progress picture.

I cannot believe I never blogged about last Sunday, but I walked TWO 5k's for the WW Walk-It Challenge. My mom and hubby both joined me on the first one in the morning, which was in beautiful downtown St. Petersburg by the Vinoy. Our fearless leader Lorraine joined us for a bit and my friend Tammy from our meeting walked with us also. It was such a nice morning. That afternoon, my hubby and I also walked the one at the park by our house. It was great also, although much warmer than the morning one. By the time the day was over, we had also walked the dogs 2 miles. 8 miles in one day!

The biggest thing that I think has helped me the last two weeks is my water intake. I've made sure to have at least 64 oz. every day. It is the one thing I can really control even when I'm at my busiest and I am going to continue to make it a priority.

Me 3 - Scale 1

I felt like I was walking the plank this morning as I walked up to the scale. I knew that it would not be in my favor. I know my body well enough to know when this will happen. My hubby told me this morning on his way out the door to let him know how I did after I weigh in and I said I know I gained. Way to be positive, he says... Technically I was being positive, I was positive that I gained.

Lorraine, our fearless leader, asked me about my gain, did I expect it, how do I feel? I told her that yes, I expected it, but it still sucks. It has been a tough week all around, party last weekend, Daddy's birthday Monday, not feeling well, less activity because not feeling well... All of that is reason for the scale to be up and not down. What I am surprised about it that it's not up more than a pound. BUT, today starts a new week and this one will be better. She told me that is a great attitude and to not give up.

For all those keeping score out there, I have weighed-in for 4 weeks now, and 3 of those weeks I lost weight. This is the first week with a gain. Technically I am still winning. But that doesn't help with the little voice that keeps trying to interrupt my thoughts telling me that I could have done better.

We're starting a walking challenge at the meeting and of course I signed up. I can totally do that.

Now that the weigh-on is done and I faced my gain head-on, it's time to put it behind me. I will not let the scale beat me next week. No way, no how. The score next week will be Me 4 - Scale 1... Guaranteed.

Has anyone seen my willpower?

I can't seem to find it... Seriously, I've looked everywhere and it is nowhere to be found. Every morning I wake up with good intentions of eating better that day. Once I fail to do so, I figure the day is a bust, may as well not worry about it. Tomorrow is another day. I go to bed thinking that tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow never seems to come.

Five years ago I lost 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I rocked it, totally stuck to the plan, swore by it, and it worked. Went to a meeting every Saturday and constantly saw the scale going down. I was never hungry. I changed my eating habits and made better choices. Eating better motivated me to work out. I worked out twice a day for a couple months of my weight loss journey. I became a runner and did TaeBo like there was no tomorrow. I even continued to lose weight while we had our Italian restaurant and had all that wonderful food at my fingertips. Where in the world did I get that will power??

I think about how great it felt to feel good in my skin, to love shopping for clothes. I kept the weight off, for the most part, for almost two years. What happened to that will power??

Oh yes, I know.... We've battled infertility for over four years now... Tests, medications, poking and prodding, the heartbreaking depression it causes... Yea, that didn't help things any. Add to that the stress of being self-employed and dealing with all that comes with that in these trying economic times. And of course most recently, the loss of my daddy. No matter what I have faced in the past four years,  my friend FOOD has always been here. I am an emotional eater, that is for sure. The second I get stressed, I know there is a salty snack waiting for me, or a heavenly sweet chocolate treat. Not to mention a beer or two, or a glass of wine or two.

Something has to give... Something has to change. I haven't been on a scale in probably 8 months now.... Probably the longest I have ever gone without weighing myself. I am TERRIFIED of what the scale will say. Thankfully we don't even have one here.

Twelve years ago I was at my heaviest of 173. I saw a picture of myself and wanted to cry. I made huge changes and over the course of a year I lost 40 pounds by following a strict low-carb diet. I will never do that again. No carbs for Nanci makes for an unhappy girl. I'm Italian, carbs are a necessity. In fact, if you tell me I can't have any type of food, I'm not happy. That is what was so great about Weight Watchers - I could literally have anything I wanted as long as I budgeted my points.

When I met Mike I was 133 pounds and felt great. We fell in love, got comfy with each other, got married, and the weight went back on. In early 2006 I was 157 pounds and decided I had to do something for complete fear of getting back up to 173. So I joined WW and lost 30 pounds, getting down to 127. Anywhere between 127 and 130 is my happy weight, where I am my most comfortable. The last time I was on a scale about 8 months ago, I was 159. Every single pound I worked so hard to lose on WW came back, and brought a few friends. It's like my mom says... The problem with losing weight is that is ends up finding me again.

So why don't I just join WW again? Well, for one, it's an expense that is not quite in the budget right now. But I know how to do it, what to follow, every little trick to make the most of it. So why don't I do it on my own? I need the accountability of weighing in once a week. Knowing I have to get on a scale once a week sure does make me think twice about that Hershey bar I want to eat. Maybe I should get a scale after all...

I have been walking and walking... I love to walk. Walking is a great exercise and it's free. But it's not doing me a darn bit of good if I keep stuffing my face. So, I need to do something. This fragile heart and soul of mine can't take any huge changes so I need to take it a step at a time... My first step will be to cut the soda out. I used to have one, maybe two, sodas a week - usually on the weekend. The past several months, it has become a daily thing again. Cutting soda out is my first step. And I will get my water intake back to where it was. I am even setting reminders on my phone to tell me to DRINK WATER!!!

If you so desire, you can follow my quest to once again, lose weight. I have to, I need to. For me.