Wait, what?

Good grief, Charlie Brown. Has it really been over a week, almost 2 actually, since I last updated my blog? I've meant to update it several times but for some reason I have not. Chalk it off to the funkiness I have been in, I guess.

My last post was about evil bloated woman where I gained 3.4 pounds. &^%#%@ Yea, 3.4 lbs.. Mind you, no one forced the food down my throat or twisted my arm to eat whatever bad foods I ate that I probably should not have. But when evil bloated woman is here, I have NO self control. NONE. Really, I don't.

Moving past the 3.4 lb. gain, the next day I walked 13 miles with my fabulous sister-in-law. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy those walks? The high that I feel when done with that kind of walk should keep me going for a great start to the week leading up to the next weigh-in. But not last week. I didn't walk the Sunday after. And not that Monday. I did do a strength training work out (which, by the way, I felt for days). On Tuesday I walked 3.11 miles. I wanted to run, but my legs could not would not do it. Regardless, I walked it and got it done. On Wednesday, I did nothing. Nada. Same on Thursday. Thursday is normally a no workout day anyhow, but the guilt was there since I skipped the day before. When I walked into WW on Friday, I had no idea what the scale would say. Whatever it said, though, I would have to own it. I am the one who decided to not workout when I could have, or to eat whatever it was I should not have. Amazingly, I was down 1 pound. Honestly, I think the pound I lost was the fact that evil bloated woman was finally gone, at least until she rears her ugly head again in a few weeks.

That 1.0 lb. loss gave me a little jump start,. I was happy. I was even happier when my sister-in-law and I walked 14 miles on Saturday. That is nothing to sneeze at, my friends. It was a HARD walk this week. It was hot and humid and when we were done, my feet (especially my right foot) was screaming at me. My SIL had to stop at mile 12 due to blisters on her feet. It was brutal. But we gave it our best. I burned ALOT of calories, 1239 calories to be exact. Again, this should have kept me going into this week.

Where did this funk come from? Why I am so blah this past week and not really caring about what food choices I make? It's irritating, and to be quite honest, scary. I don't want to give up, I don't want to quit, but I feel like something else is controlling me.

I got home yesterday and should have walked. It was raining so I didn't. I should have gone on the treadmill, but I didn't. I got home today, no rain, a little bit of a breeze - I should have walked. But I didn't. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME??

Someone needs to give me a virtual slap or something. I don't know what needs to happen, but I have got to snap out of this funkiness. I don't want to be tired and blah and just whatever. I don't. I want to be that girl who comes home, changes quickly, and runs out the front door and knocks out 3.11 miles as quickly as I can. I want to walk back in the house, dripping with sweat, and post what I did, and enjoy the rest of my evening knowing I busted my butt.

If anyone can help me find that girl that does those things, I'll be eternally grateful. I'm really not sure where she is this week. I need her.

Confession...

I am TERRIFIED to weigh-in tomorrow morning. This has been an off week for sure. The weekend was a rough one. Temptation everyone with my sister's birthday fun, although I still think I skated enough to work at least some of it off. I have not had as much water as I should this week, I've only walked twice (in addition to the 2+ hours of skating on Sautrday), and today I had a moment of weakness and had Pringles. Ugh.

I was also sick yesterday and didn't care too much about portions when I had my soup for lunch and snacks. It has just been a stressful week. And can I mention that mother nature is paying a visit and that always screws things up? Ugh again.

The scale won't lie, that is for sure. I dread getting on it, but of course I have to. And then a new week will start, which means a clean slate. I can't dwell on the bad choices I made this week, I need to move on and look ahead to the better choices I will make in the coming week. Until tomorrow.... 

It is so hard to be me...

Since my last post, I have stopped drinking soda. I was drinking it EVERY day. Really did not need to drink that much soda. Yes, it's yummy but I just don't need it. So 3 days of no soda - yay me! Don't get me wrong, though. I still need to do something about my love of Starbucks and those damn chocolate bars.

I keep thinking about going back to Weight Watchers. The structure and accountability is really good for me. But the little devil that sits on my left shoulder says "but you'll have to keep track of every think you eat." Well duh! That is the point of accountability. If I do it, I have to do it 100%. I am an all or nothing person. Anyone who knows me, knows this. It is so hard to be me...

So I should join, right? Right. But here's the problem. I'll have to get on the scale. (insert eye roll here)

Literally, I have not been on a scale in about 8 months. That alone is huge for me because there was a point in time that I used to get on the scale every single day. When I joined WW in 2006, that stopped. Too many fluctuations every day just from breathing that would send me reeling if the numbers went up. So I would only get on the scale once a week, at the meeting. And I pretty much wore the same thing every week AND I would always take my shoes off. You have to be consistent, right? Right.

I have always struggled with my weight. Always. In high school I thought I was fat. Looking at pictures of myself back then I wonder what the heck was I thinking?? I didn't need to lose weight then. Seriously. Always an active person, I started working out in my senior year of high school and I loved it. Don't get me wrong, I don't always want to work out and there are months that will pass without. But it's those times that I am totally into that I love. That wonderful high after a workout, knowing that I did something for myself that is good for me. It's great. A brisk walk, a run, Tae Bo, the gym... It's all great.

But my body has been through the ringer the past few years. Poked, prodded, tested, re-tested, and medications that have packed on the pounds. I am TERRIFIED of what the scale will say. What if it's higher than my highest back in 1997?

So back to this whole WW thing... I WANT to dive back into it and follow it like I did before. But CAN I do it? Can I make better food choices all the time in lieu of eating whatever I want that has gotten me in this pickle. I will tell you this... If someone had asked me about WW 6 months ago, I would have said no way, I don't have it in me to do it right now. I can't set myself up to fail. But now, I think I might. 

Stay tuned....