Where has the time gone?

I am embarrassed at the time that has past since my last post, which was on October 23rd. I got crazy busy with work and everything else took a backseat. EVERYTHING. Working out, eating right, and trying to keep myself at the top of my never-ending list of things to do.

With 2011 coming to an end, I have realized that I have to make myself a priority, regardless of anything else that is happening.

My last post was about Jenna's last training walk for the 3-Day. She did a fabulous job walking 60 miles over 3 days, camping out in the cold and wind. I saw her off at the opening ceremony, cheered her on on day 2 at one of the many cheering stations, and congratulated her at closing ceremony. I was, and am still, so proud of her for what she accomplished. I am also thankful to her for including me in her training as I met some amazing women. We have all gotten together once since the 3-Day for a short 5-mile walk and breakfast. I hope, hope, hope that we can all get together again soon after the holidays.


In November, my hubby and I went to California with my mom for Thanksgiving. My mom had not been out there in 17 years. My last time out was about 13 years ago. It was a FANTASTIC trip, full of catching up with family we had not seen in years and visiting places from our past. I was born  there and while I had been back several times over the years, this was my first time back in a long time with my mom and to see her enjoy her time there so much was great. I am so glad hubby got to meet more of my family (we have a huge family!) and see where I was born. We also visited one of hubby's cousins who he had not seen in close to 20 years and who I had never met. It was also a bittersweet trip, visiting my grandfather's grave. My dad never got back to see visit his grave since he passed and we took some of my dad's ashes out there to reunite them. It seemed very fitting and there was a sense of closure, knowing how close they were and how they are together again.

December 4th brought us to the one-year mark of my dad's passing. This year was a total blur, mostly because I was numb for most of it. I'm still not sure how it passed so quickly. I have a year's worth of sunset pictures from Crystal Beach where we spend the 4th of every month. It is a tradition my mom and I have kept to this whole year and I plan to continue it. Every thought, feeling, and emotion of the time my dad spent in the hospital, and then his passing is still very fresh in my mind. I think of him every single day and treasure the endless memories we made over the years. I had a very special tattoo done on the 4th, designed by Jenna. Daddy will always be with me and looking over my shoulder now. I am so glad I had it done. That same day, we all got together at Crystal Beach for yet another beautiful sunset in his memory and then dinner at one of his favorite restaurants.

Christmas Day was celebrated at our house after hubby and Mommy and I went to put flowers at the cemetery for Daddy. My mom made her fabulous turkey dinner (thank you Mommy!!). Nick, Jenna, and Autumn came over. Autumn's laughter filled the house most of the day, there is nothing like it. They also brought their pup Scarlett, who played endlessly with Blue. Ozzie was content just being around everyone. Jenni, Nile, Nathan, and Cheryl came over, as well as Larry, Vicki, and Mary Ann. It was so nice to have a house full of family on such a special day. We are thankful to have a home to invite everyone to, and thankful that everyone joined us and had a grand time.

I am anxious to get back into a routine, the routine that is necessary for me to be the best person I can be. I have got to get back into healthier habits and it is my goal to do just that. The new year brings with it a new start. I AM READY!

Reflection

I wrote this on Monday, not sure if I wanted to post it… But I decided that is what my blog is for. So, here goes…. My heart and soul are here for all to see in this one.

I did something on Sunday I had not done in many months. I drove by the hospital. I’m not sure what possessed me to do so as normally I avoid driving past it. When I finished my walk Sunday morning over the causeway, I headed home. This time, I turned onto the street that would take me past the hospital. Not only did I take the street that would take me past the hospital, but I turned ONTO the street the hospital is on. What was I thinking?

I pulled into the parking lot and sat for a few minutes. The parking lot that I pulled in and out of two, three times a day for 30 days when my dad was there. It seemed the same, but different.

As far as the building itself goes, it’s a nice building that faces the gulf, with Clearwater Beach and Sand Key in the distance. It’s a pretty view. But the building itself holds so many feelings and emotions. Walking in there when he first went to the emergency room due to his stomach pain, hoping and praying that whatever it was, was not serious and he would go home soon. Leaving the same day knowing he was being admitted and likely would have to have surgery. The day of the surgery when there was concern that afterwards, he would have to go into ICU due to his age and condition. The elation of his surgery going well and knowing he did not have to go to ICU, but rather a regular room for his recovery. Within 36 hours, the tone began to change and walking into that building took on a stronger, heavier meaning each time, as he was in the critical care unit for days until he finally started to recover. On Friday, Nov. 19, my mom and I took him home. I drove past the parking lot where him and I sat, his first time out in the sun in two weeks. He still was not 100% better but to see him up out of that hospital bed and in his wheelchair and outside was wonderful. He just needed to go home and finish his recovery.

The trip back to the hospital the next night would again change everything. Running into the emergency room, knowing he was being rushed there by ambulance, after possibly having a stroke. How could this be? He went home just the day before, all of his doctors agreed he needed to be home. For the next two weeks, I would come and go every single day, spending 12+ hours in this building. As much time as I could, I was in his room in ICU, the rest of the time I was in the waiting room. Our family took the waiting room over and the hospital never said a word.

This is the hospital that our doctors send us to for routine tests as needed. I’ve had surgery at this hospital myself. My hubby has been to that emergency room twice himself. All the times we had been there, we left well. The day my dad passed away, I walked out of there seeing it as a totally different building, one that I likely would have a hard time ever going into again.

It’s a very strange feeling to leave someone at a hospital. To say goodbye to a loved one, to my Daddy, and walk out of the building knowing he is still in there. Of course I know now that he left there with us and is with us everywhere we go. But I still remember that day very well, it is all very vivid in my mind and likely will be for a very long time. Just being in the parking lot again, I felt a wide range of emotions. Mostly sadness, pain, hopelessness – all thoughts of missing him and knowing I will never see him again. But I also felt a tiny bit of relief. I certainly was not relieved that he had passed away. No… My relief was in looking back on those 4 weeks in the hospital, mostly the last 2 weeks when he was in ICU, and that he did not have to go through that anymore.  All the tests, procedures, dialysis, and so on that he endured, most likely without even knowing it.  Being on the ventilator, having a feeding tube…. All the things that had we ever had a conversation about it, I know he would now have wanted. The big question then was to do a tracheotomy or not. I struggled with that a lot in those days, as we all did, knowing in my heart that he would not want that, but struggling with the thought of having him for one more day. I am glad, now, that we did not do it. It would have been one more thing for him to go through needlessly.

What happened in that room that day we said goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, but it was also an amazing day. My dad was surrounded by people who loved him and we all had the courage to hold his hand and say goodbye and watch him leave. He always knew he had us with him and I hope and pray that he knew we were right there with him that day, at that moment.

Will I drive by the hospital again? Probably so. At some point it’s likely I’ll have to go inside should the medical need arise. I’ll face that when the time comes. It’s still very surreal and I still have moments where I can’t believe that he’s not here. Tomorrow, the 4^th, will be 8 months. 8 MONTHS. I know where I’ll be… Watching the sunset at Crystal Beach in his memory. We love and miss you every day, Daddy….

Happiness is.... Sweet Autumn

The past couple days, we have had the pleasure of having Autumn stay over with us while her mom and dad are in Sarasota for their anniversary. She came over Sunday morning and she'll go home today. She is so comfortable in our house and while she does miss Mommy and Daddy, she has fun while she is with us.

On Monday, we went to Grandmommy's house for a 4th of July cookout. That evening we went to Crystal Beach for sunset and fireworks. There were a few dogs there, she made the rounds to pet them. She LOVES dogs! She loves to play in the water and run through the sand. We saw some of the fireworks and she loved them, too - especially the pink ones.

At the beach!

Doggy!

Yesterday I didn't take her to school, I kept her with me. I worked for a bit and then Grandmommy and I took her to Dunedin Sprayground. She had TOO much fun there. It was a hot day so it was the perfect outdoor activity for her. She met a boy who was probably 9(??) and they laughed and played and had fun. It was adorable watching him keep an eye out for her and go down the slide together. He tried to get her to go down on her tummy and every time she said she would but never did. There was a lot of laughing and giggling. When we were leaving, she saw him running around the sprayground and she said "that's my boy!".  She also said that he's going to be her boyfriend.

Autumn and her boy

Last night we watched Barbie movies. Mike had to run out for a bit and she kept asking if he was going to come back. When he did get back, she sat next to him and watched the end of her movie with him. So sweet...

Watching Swan Lake with Uncle Mike

My favorite times would have to be in the mornings when she first wakes up. She comes out of the room with the cutest smile on her face and just talks and talks. She loves to help with Scarlett and Blue and Ozzie. She is quite the little helper.

Breakfast smiles

I adore Autumn and I am so glad she has so much fun when she is with us. And I am so thankful that Nick and Jenna are so comfortable leaving her with us. It makes me feel really good.