Approaching 40

As my birthday is quickly approaching, just a couple weeks away, this coming week I am reminded why I dread turning 40.

I know, it's just a number. It doesn't shouldn't mean anything. But it does. It is a reminder to me of how much I dislike my body and what it cannot do.

Five years ago this week, I had a miscarriage. Since then, my body has been poked, prodded, medicated, tested, operated on, and more, all to no avail. Five years ago this week, we lost the baby we were supposed to have. We should have a 4 year old child. But we don't.

Everyone has reasons to dislike their body. Before being momentarily pregnant and then losing it in the blink of any eye, I would tell you I didn't like my body because I wasn't thin, I didn't like my butt, legs, whatever. While I STILL dislike those things about my body, it seems so minor compared to not being able to have a baby, to be labeled "infertile" by doctors.

The last several years have been rough. ROUGH in all capital letters. Losing a baby, running two businesses at once, the crash of the economy and all the stress from that, the above mentioned poking and prodding, losing our Sweet Sammi dog, and losing Daddy last year. My body has taken a beating, - physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I do my best to not think about the very real fact that we likely will never have a child. It is an awful thought to think about. Our resources are tapped, we have no alternatives, so I do my best to focus on everything else. Hence, one of the many reasons I am making 2012 MY year. The year to take care of myself. I am determined to make the year that I turn 40 the one to remember by losing the weight I've put on the last several years, to do not one but two half-marathons this year, and as many 5Ks as I can. I want to take control back on my body and show it that I am in charge, not  it.

It's a struggle, it always will be. It's so easy to not care about what I eat or drink or if I sit on the couch every day and not walk or workout. It's easy to fall into that trap. My body can't do what I want it to do, why should I be good to it? But that won't get me anywhere, except depressed.

I am changing that. And somehow, someway, I will one day learn to accept the other facts. Maybe.

Running through the tears...

I had a good walk/run today despite the unbelievable humidity. But in typical fashion, the run part of my efforts turned into me into a blubbering, teary-eyed mess. I am not sure why, but it's more common than not for me to cry when I run. I am not a pretty runner or even a good runner, but it's certainly not physical pain prompting my tears.

Between the endorphins that are kicking and just the release I feel in being outside and taking time for myself, I start really thinking about my dad, and on come the tears.

I miss my dad and wish so much that I could talk to him and see him and hug him. I think of him many times, every day, but I am so busy that those thoughts and memories, sadly, tend to get pushed aside in the craziness of my day. But when I am running and I have the miracle of an off-switch for the work stress and more that floods my mind daily, the thoughts of my dad fill my heart and mind.

I am okay with the tears and the thoughts I have of him durning my run. But it sure makes it tricky to see some times. By the time I am done, I am totally d-o-n-e. Worn out and exhausted. I have always said that walking is my therapy and good for my mental health, and for the depression tendencies I naturally have. I believe that even more after I've had a good cry, running through the park. I need that time that I take for myself, tears, thoughts of my dad, and all.

Has anyone seen my willpower?

I can't seem to find it... Seriously, I've looked everywhere and it is nowhere to be found. Every morning I wake up with good intentions of eating better that day. Once I fail to do so, I figure the day is a bust, may as well not worry about it. Tomorrow is another day. I go to bed thinking that tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow never seems to come.

Five years ago I lost 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I rocked it, totally stuck to the plan, swore by it, and it worked. Went to a meeting every Saturday and constantly saw the scale going down. I was never hungry. I changed my eating habits and made better choices. Eating better motivated me to work out. I worked out twice a day for a couple months of my weight loss journey. I became a runner and did TaeBo like there was no tomorrow. I even continued to lose weight while we had our Italian restaurant and had all that wonderful food at my fingertips. Where in the world did I get that will power??

I think about how great it felt to feel good in my skin, to love shopping for clothes. I kept the weight off, for the most part, for almost two years. What happened to that will power??

Oh yes, I know.... We've battled infertility for over four years now... Tests, medications, poking and prodding, the heartbreaking depression it causes... Yea, that didn't help things any. Add to that the stress of being self-employed and dealing with all that comes with that in these trying economic times. And of course most recently, the loss of my daddy. No matter what I have faced in the past four years,  my friend FOOD has always been here. I am an emotional eater, that is for sure. The second I get stressed, I know there is a salty snack waiting for me, or a heavenly sweet chocolate treat. Not to mention a beer or two, or a glass of wine or two.

Something has to give... Something has to change. I haven't been on a scale in probably 8 months now.... Probably the longest I have ever gone without weighing myself. I am TERRIFIED of what the scale will say. Thankfully we don't even have one here.

Twelve years ago I was at my heaviest of 173. I saw a picture of myself and wanted to cry. I made huge changes and over the course of a year I lost 40 pounds by following a strict low-carb diet. I will never do that again. No carbs for Nanci makes for an unhappy girl. I'm Italian, carbs are a necessity. In fact, if you tell me I can't have any type of food, I'm not happy. That is what was so great about Weight Watchers - I could literally have anything I wanted as long as I budgeted my points.

When I met Mike I was 133 pounds and felt great. We fell in love, got comfy with each other, got married, and the weight went back on. In early 2006 I was 157 pounds and decided I had to do something for complete fear of getting back up to 173. So I joined WW and lost 30 pounds, getting down to 127. Anywhere between 127 and 130 is my happy weight, where I am my most comfortable. The last time I was on a scale about 8 months ago, I was 159. Every single pound I worked so hard to lose on WW came back, and brought a few friends. It's like my mom says... The problem with losing weight is that is ends up finding me again.

So why don't I just join WW again? Well, for one, it's an expense that is not quite in the budget right now. But I know how to do it, what to follow, every little trick to make the most of it. So why don't I do it on my own? I need the accountability of weighing in once a week. Knowing I have to get on a scale once a week sure does make me think twice about that Hershey bar I want to eat. Maybe I should get a scale after all...

I have been walking and walking... I love to walk. Walking is a great exercise and it's free. But it's not doing me a darn bit of good if I keep stuffing my face. So, I need to do something. This fragile heart and soul of mine can't take any huge changes so I need to take it a step at a time... My first step will be to cut the soda out. I used to have one, maybe two, sodas a week - usually on the weekend. The past several months, it has become a daily thing again. Cutting soda out is my first step. And I will get my water intake back to where it was. I am even setting reminders on my phone to tell me to DRINK WATER!!!

If you so desire, you can follow my quest to once again, lose weight. I have to, I need to. For me.