Wait, what?

Good grief, Charlie Brown. Has it really been over a week, almost 2 actually, since I last updated my blog? I've meant to update it several times but for some reason I have not. Chalk it off to the funkiness I have been in, I guess.

My last post was about evil bloated woman where I gained 3.4 pounds. &^%#%@ Yea, 3.4 lbs.. Mind you, no one forced the food down my throat or twisted my arm to eat whatever bad foods I ate that I probably should not have. But when evil bloated woman is here, I have NO self control. NONE. Really, I don't.

Moving past the 3.4 lb. gain, the next day I walked 13 miles with my fabulous sister-in-law. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy those walks? The high that I feel when done with that kind of walk should keep me going for a great start to the week leading up to the next weigh-in. But not last week. I didn't walk the Sunday after. And not that Monday. I did do a strength training work out (which, by the way, I felt for days). On Tuesday I walked 3.11 miles. I wanted to run, but my legs could not would not do it. Regardless, I walked it and got it done. On Wednesday, I did nothing. Nada. Same on Thursday. Thursday is normally a no workout day anyhow, but the guilt was there since I skipped the day before. When I walked into WW on Friday, I had no idea what the scale would say. Whatever it said, though, I would have to own it. I am the one who decided to not workout when I could have, or to eat whatever it was I should not have. Amazingly, I was down 1 pound. Honestly, I think the pound I lost was the fact that evil bloated woman was finally gone, at least until she rears her ugly head again in a few weeks.

That 1.0 lb. loss gave me a little jump start,. I was happy. I was even happier when my sister-in-law and I walked 14 miles on Saturday. That is nothing to sneeze at, my friends. It was a HARD walk this week. It was hot and humid and when we were done, my feet (especially my right foot) was screaming at me. My SIL had to stop at mile 12 due to blisters on her feet. It was brutal. But we gave it our best. I burned ALOT of calories, 1239 calories to be exact. Again, this should have kept me going into this week.

Where did this funk come from? Why I am so blah this past week and not really caring about what food choices I make? It's irritating, and to be quite honest, scary. I don't want to give up, I don't want to quit, but I feel like something else is controlling me.

I got home yesterday and should have walked. It was raining so I didn't. I should have gone on the treadmill, but I didn't. I got home today, no rain, a little bit of a breeze - I should have walked. But I didn't. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME??

Someone needs to give me a virtual slap or something. I don't know what needs to happen, but I have got to snap out of this funkiness. I don't want to be tired and blah and just whatever. I don't. I want to be that girl who comes home, changes quickly, and runs out the front door and knocks out 3.11 miles as quickly as I can. I want to walk back in the house, dripping with sweat, and post what I did, and enjoy the rest of my evening knowing I busted my butt.

If anyone can help me find that girl that does those things, I'll be eternally grateful. I'm really not sure where she is this week. I need her.

Evil bloated woman is here...

I am skipping my usual BYOC post this week to talk about a different topic. That being weight gain. My usual light-hearted, entertaining, information packed post will be replaced with something far less  fun, but something I want to talk about.

This week has been a weird one. I walked this past Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I didn't only walk, I ran. I kicked butt and sweat like there was no tomorrow. Then came Tuesday and I was tired. I was achy. My legs hurt. And I was grouchy. At some point that day, evil bloated woman took over my body and I had no say in it. I chose not to run that day, hell I didn't even want to walk. And it didn't take much convincing of myself to not go out. Instead, I did some cleaning when I got home. And I didn't miss the running. I attributed this to the arrival of evil bloated woman. I am over losing control of my body for a few days each month but whatever. Being a girl sucks. Did I mention that I had a couple of adult beverages as well?

Then comes Wednesday and I started the day thinking I would make up for the day before. WRONG. My eating that day was awful. I was on carb overload, consuming everything that is bad for me like there is no tomorrow. I knew it was wrong but I didn't care. Or evil bloated woman didn't care. The line can be very blurred at times. When I got home Wednesday afternoon, I knew I would not be running or walking. Nope, it wasn't going to happen.

This is what I started to feel guilty, but knew that no matter how much guilt I felt, I had no control over the situation. I was bloated and hungry and grouchy and as much as I wanted to not care about being good and getting out there, I really didn't.

Yesterday being a non-workout day for me, I took advantage of it and did just that. I didn't work out. Why would I? I was still grouchy and bloated and being held hostage by evil bloated woman. There was more eating foods that I shouldn't be eating, at least in the quantities I was eating them.

When I got up this morning, I dreaded getting on the scale at WW. For a minute, evil bloated woman tried to convince me NOT to go. But alas, I knew I would go. I had to go, I had to be accountable, no matter how bad it might be. The only thing is, I didn't realize it would be quite so bad.

I got on the scale this morning to see a 3.4 lb. weight gain. I gained exactly the amount of weight that I worked my butt off to lose the two weeks prior. I joked about evil bloated woman when I got off the scale and while I know she played a part in it, I knew that somehow I have to find a way to not let her control me like that and send me into a downward spiral.

I know I will lose that 3.4 pounds, I don't doubt that. I just worry that it'll take me two 2+ weeks to do it and then before I know it, evil bloated woman will be back again trying to trick me into her evil ways again. I have to find a way to keep her from controlling me.

Tomorrow morning I will be walking 13 miles with my sister-in-law for her training for the 3 Day walk. This will be a great start to the new week. I cannot let this get me down, I have to pick myself up and get right back to it. Evil bloated woman be damned.

It's BYOC time!

You know the drill by now... I answer random questions and then hopefully you do the same on your blog! Two of the blogs I follow, Joanna and Drazil do this so of course I have to copy them...

1. What is the absolute worst thing you hate to clean or cleaning chore you hate the most? (vacuuming, dusting, laundry, toilets, floors, etc.)

I will start by saying that I used to enjoy cleaning. Something about cleaning our home and keeping it nice. Not so much anymore. I think because I seem to be so busy, I have to make time to clean and honestly, I’d rather be doing something else. So here is my list of hates:

Dusting the furniture – I have 2 Aussies who shed a lot and we have dark, almost black, furniture. Got the visual now? Yea…. I used to be able to get away with not dusting every time I cleaned but now I really have to dust weekly. Otherwise it looks like someone threw up dog hair all over the furniture. (at the same time I’d just like to say that I love my crazy-shedding Aussies very much and would not trade them for anything.)

Cleaning the bathroom – it’s just gross. The sad thing is it’s just hubby and I – that’s it. Really we aren’t messy people. But our bathroom is just gross when it comes time to give it a good cleaning.

Folding laundry – it’s just a pain. And again, it’s just the two of us. And we don’t have a lot of clothes. But I still hate folding laundry.

Gee, now I’m super duper excited about cleaning this weekend. I can’t WAIT to get started. Ugh.

2. Brown or Black? Fly or Drive? Hot dog or Burger? Gold or Silver?

Brown or black? Um, both. I always say black is my favorite color, it’s very slimming. I have a lot of it. My closet is pretty drab and boring. With that said, I also like brown, especially in the fall.

Fly or drive? Rarely do I have occasion to fly, but I am very excited about this Thanksgiving and flying to California with hubby and Mommy. It will be bittersweet as it will be our first Thanksgiving without my dad and it’s been many many years since my mom has travelled out there. But it will be very nice to spend time with the family and I am looking forward to meeting hubby’s cousin who he hasn’t seen in years.  As for driving… I do a lot of it and I am always happy to not have to drive. So if the question is which would I prefer to do if I had the choice on a trip? I’d probably say fly, but maybe drive. All depends on my moo.

Hot dog or burger? This is a funny question because when we cookout and we have both, I will eat both. Why have to make a decision like that? But if I had to choose, it would be a burger. As much as I like hot dogs, I always wonder why I ate it later on. Doesn’t always seem to sit right with me.

Gold or silver?  Gold. All my jewelry is gold. I like silver, I think it’s very pretty, but it doesn’t look right on me. So gold it is.

3. Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing your relationship with them or even if a relationships exists – and you then try to describe that person in 5 short sentences/words.
Maternal Grandmother

Funny

Loud

Full of laughter

Loving

Proud

My grandma passed away 17 years ago. She was such a character. I miss her laughter. Wherever she was, there was laughter and it was LOUD. I would love to sit and talk to her now and her that laughter.

4. Even if you don’t have kids, how do you feel about kids in multiple sports during their school years? Were you in MULTIPLE sports all during school? Forced or by choice?

Okay, so we don’t have kids. But I grew up always doing some sort of activity. Not always a sport necessarily, but something extra-curricular. When I was very young, I took dance – tap, ballet, gymnastics. I also played tennis and softball. I was a brownie and a girl scout. In the 4^th grade, I started playing flute in the school band and played all the way through my senior year in high school. I was always busy with something and I loved it. It worked for me – I was able to do what I needed to do with my school work and stay on top of things. I would like to think that if we were lucky enough to have kids and had the resources to do so, our children would be in activities as well.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Whew, this was a busy week. Blog land was not as active as I’d like it to be, but that usually correlates with how my real life week is going. In real life, I got in another full week of walking/running (every day from Saturday – Wednesday and then I take Thursday and Friday off as rest days). I also decided that I REALLY want to sign up for a 5k to run in the fall. I think I can run a 5K at that point the way I’m going. It would make me feel great about what I’m doing. J Work was busy and despite a crazy rainy stormy day of not getting any work done, we still finished the week getting everything done I had hoped for. And when I weighed in this morning at WW, I was down another pound. GO ME!!! There was a lot of running, walking, protein, and water this week. It worked this week so I kept it up again. A successful week indeed.

If you do your own BYOC, be sure to let me know so I can read it!

Why I walk

Today I had the perfect excuse to not do my walk/run. It has been raining off and on all day. A consistent, wet rain that lets up for a little bit and then it's pouring again. Add in some lightning and thunder for effect, and that's how the whole day has been. And all I could think about was, this is going to screw up my walk.

But, I have a treadmill. I've had it for almost 8 years and I used to use it all the time. It used to be my favorite thing to do. I don't know why. The last couple of years, it's not been used nearly as much as in the past. But it serves a purpose and today was that exact purpose. When it was clear that the weather was going to keep inside, I knew I was lucky to have my treadmill as a backup.

After spending so much time walking/running outside, the treadmill is very different. My pace seems different and the time may as well be doubled. You know, like dog years vs. people years? An hour outside may as well be two hours on the treadmill. Why is that?

My time on the treadmill today did not have the full effect as if I had been outside, but the important thing is I did it. Not only did I do it, but I ran longer than I have outside as I posted on daily mile. This made me feel great and I was even more thankful that I had my treadmill and didn't just not do it.

Why do I walk? Why do I run? I've mentioned many times that it is as much for my mental health as it is my physical health. These are the reasons why:

• It's MY time and I am doing something for myself
• It's the only time I can find the "OFF" switch to my brain. I am a worrier and I am constantly thinking about everything. It is very rare that I am able to shut off my thinking and just not worry. Except when I am out there walking or running. The "OFF" switch works perfectly then.
• I love the fresh air (another reason I prefer outside over the treadmill).
• It's cheaper than therapy.

I am on a nice little high right now after running so far today. I am already thinking about tomorrow, hoping the rain is over by the afternoon so I can get out there and do exactly what I did on the treadmill today.

Bee an inspiration!

One of the blogs I follow is Bee Fit, written by an amazing gal named Colleen. She started her weight loss journey at 272 pounds and joined WW on Feb. 24, 2010 weighing 252.6 pounds. This past June, she made her goal at WW, losing 102 pounds. Her weight loss is AMAZING and her progress photos really show the hard work she has done to get to this point.

But what I love most about her story is her determination. When she reached her 220's, she started jogging. She ran her first 5k in September 2010. Since then she has completed several half marathons and many more 5ks. This is incredible to me. You read so many stories of people who say "when I reach my goal and lose all the weight, I'm going to run a half marathon". Not Colleen. She didn't wait. And I love that. And she's not stopping anytime soon. She just completed another half marathon over the weekend and is training for her first full marathon in November.

The reason I'm telling you about Colleen today, besides the fact that you should all go visit her blog and read for yourself how incredible she is, is to tell you that she inspired me to do something. I read today's blog post while I was eating my lunch. It was about the half marathon she completed this weekend AND set a new personal record for herself. Pretty amazing, huh?

A couple hours later, I read it again. I kept thinking about how incredible I feel to go out and walk 3, 4, 5, even 10 or 11 miles. And then I wondered how incredible she must feel about herself with all she has accomplished. To run a 5k would be a huge thing for me. To run a half marathon? Well, that almost seems out of reach for me but it is something I would love to do and it's a dream I have.

So I was driving home from work, trying to beat the rain clouds so I could get to the park and log my 3.11 miles for the day. On a normal day, I will alternate walking and running - mostly walking with probably a third of it running throughout. A little bit here, a little bit there. I tend to run more near the end as I am trying to make the most of my time, always trying to beat my best time.

Today I decided I was going to run 1 mile - all at once. Colleen's ability to go out and run a half marathon and train for a full marathon inspired me to run the first mile, just to see if I could do it. And I did. It took me 12:02. Not a fast mile by any stretch, but one that was comfortable for me. I DID IT. It felt great and kept me going for the rest of my walk, during which I did more running. As always, I am thankful for my strong legs that allow me to run and push myself.

Another exciting tidbit to mention... I have a new personal best for my 5k - 40:48, beating my previous best by 17 seconds. I am SO competitive with myself.

Now, I know I can run a mile. I'll work on that for a bit and then I'll try 2 miles. And one day you'll read about me running a 5K. Maybe I'll inspire others the way Colleen has inspired me.

Don't forget to check out Colleen's blog Bee Fit . You WILL be inspired.

Saturday = Walking

Another Saturday, more miles chalked up. I am so happy to support my SIL Jenna in her training for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day For The Cure Walk. This morning we walked 11 miles and it was great as usual. Great scenery, great conversation, support, and girl time. Our tootsies were SORE when we were done. Me with my ever present pain in my heel (yes I know I should have it checked, ugh) and poor Jenna with a couple blisters. Hopefully she gets those blisters out of the way now before the 3 Day walk in October.

It is SO very empowering to do these training walks. Not only I am out there in support of Jenna, but it is great for me and trying to reach my weight loss goals. It's a win-win situation. Next Saturday... 12 miles!

Great group!! (I need a pink shirt!)

Strong and determined!!

Feeling very accomplished!

Enjoying the ice cold towels - they felt heavenly after walking in the heat.

You know what time it is.... BYOC!!!

If you follow my blog, surely you know what BYOC is by now. I got this from my fave blogger Joanna, which she got from Drazil. I follow both of them. If you haven’t checked them out, now is the time to do so. After you read mine, of course. J Here goes...

I’m going to pick a person in your life – not knowing if you have a good or bad, existing or non-existent relationship with them – and your mission is to pick 5 words or traits or thoughts to describe them.
Your paternal grandmother.

      This is a really hard one….  She passed away when I was only 6 months old so I never knew her.  So,   this answer will be based on pictures I have seen of her.

Fashionable

Serious

Strong

Well-travelled

Stern

     I *really* wish I could answer this better and from actually knowing her. =(

What’s your all time favorite color to paint your nails? And your toes?

 My fave color for my toes is an OPI color, I’m Not Really A Waitress. I used to have a bottle at home and would take it with me when I had a pedi. I haven’t had a pedi in forever, not do I have the color anymore but I love it. It’s a dark red color.

I am a clear polish girl for my nails, when I have nails to paint. Color does not stay on me, it will always chip. When I used ot have my nails done, I would do French manicure but that requires nails other than mine. =)

Do you get along with your parents well?

This is an easy one – YES. My mom and I are best friends. We work together and get along very well and support each other in everything. =)

My dad and I were very close. I miss him so much. =(

Speaking of rainbows – rank the rainbow colors in the order you prefer.

Pink

Red

Blue

Yellow

Orange

Green

Purple

Pink is my first choice because it is my niece’s favorite color. Her whole world is pink and it’s adorable.

Repeat question. How was your week in real life and in blog land this week?

In real life, I busted my ass this week. I worked out hard, made some changes to my food choices, kept up the water, and it all paid off when I got on the scale this morning at WW and was down 2.4 pounds. I was ecstatic because I gained 2.6 pounds last week, so of course I had to get rid of those before I can move on. So now it’s time to move on to the next couple of pounds that is between me and my goal. Slowly but surely I will get there.

In blog land, I have been keeping up with my fave blogs although I have not had time to comment on them. I feel bad about that but working out hard means something has to give. But if I follow you, know I am reading up on your posts. J I wrote a pretty deep post on Wednesday about my dad. It was hard to write, I sat on it for a few days, but I’m glad I put it out there. It made me feel a little better. As I say each week, I hope to keep up with my blog this coming week and keep everyone entertained and coming back for more.

If you do your own BYOC, be sure to let me know so I can read it!

Reflection

I wrote this on Monday, not sure if I wanted to post it… But I decided that is what my blog is for. So, here goes…. My heart and soul are here for all to see in this one.

I did something on Sunday I had not done in many months. I drove by the hospital. I’m not sure what possessed me to do so as normally I avoid driving past it. When I finished my walk Sunday morning over the causeway, I headed home. This time, I turned onto the street that would take me past the hospital. Not only did I take the street that would take me past the hospital, but I turned ONTO the street the hospital is on. What was I thinking?

I pulled into the parking lot and sat for a few minutes. The parking lot that I pulled in and out of two, three times a day for 30 days when my dad was there. It seemed the same, but different.

As far as the building itself goes, it’s a nice building that faces the gulf, with Clearwater Beach and Sand Key in the distance. It’s a pretty view. But the building itself holds so many feelings and emotions. Walking in there when he first went to the emergency room due to his stomach pain, hoping and praying that whatever it was, was not serious and he would go home soon. Leaving the same day knowing he was being admitted and likely would have to have surgery. The day of the surgery when there was concern that afterwards, he would have to go into ICU due to his age and condition. The elation of his surgery going well and knowing he did not have to go to ICU, but rather a regular room for his recovery. Within 36 hours, the tone began to change and walking into that building took on a stronger, heavier meaning each time, as he was in the critical care unit for days until he finally started to recover. On Friday, Nov. 19, my mom and I took him home. I drove past the parking lot where him and I sat, his first time out in the sun in two weeks. He still was not 100% better but to see him up out of that hospital bed and in his wheelchair and outside was wonderful. He just needed to go home and finish his recovery.

The trip back to the hospital the next night would again change everything. Running into the emergency room, knowing he was being rushed there by ambulance, after possibly having a stroke. How could this be? He went home just the day before, all of his doctors agreed he needed to be home. For the next two weeks, I would come and go every single day, spending 12+ hours in this building. As much time as I could, I was in his room in ICU, the rest of the time I was in the waiting room. Our family took the waiting room over and the hospital never said a word.

This is the hospital that our doctors send us to for routine tests as needed. I’ve had surgery at this hospital myself. My hubby has been to that emergency room twice himself. All the times we had been there, we left well. The day my dad passed away, I walked out of there seeing it as a totally different building, one that I likely would have a hard time ever going into again.

It’s a very strange feeling to leave someone at a hospital. To say goodbye to a loved one, to my Daddy, and walk out of the building knowing he is still in there. Of course I know now that he left there with us and is with us everywhere we go. But I still remember that day very well, it is all very vivid in my mind and likely will be for a very long time. Just being in the parking lot again, I felt a wide range of emotions. Mostly sadness, pain, hopelessness – all thoughts of missing him and knowing I will never see him again. But I also felt a tiny bit of relief. I certainly was not relieved that he had passed away. No… My relief was in looking back on those 4 weeks in the hospital, mostly the last 2 weeks when he was in ICU, and that he did not have to go through that anymore.  All the tests, procedures, dialysis, and so on that he endured, most likely without even knowing it.  Being on the ventilator, having a feeding tube…. All the things that had we ever had a conversation about it, I know he would now have wanted. The big question then was to do a tracheotomy or not. I struggled with that a lot in those days, as we all did, knowing in my heart that he would not want that, but struggling with the thought of having him for one more day. I am glad, now, that we did not do it. It would have been one more thing for him to go through needlessly.

What happened in that room that day we said goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, but it was also an amazing day. My dad was surrounded by people who loved him and we all had the courage to hold his hand and say goodbye and watch him leave. He always knew he had us with him and I hope and pray that he knew we were right there with him that day, at that moment.

Will I drive by the hospital again? Probably so. At some point it’s likely I’ll have to go inside should the medical need arise. I’ll face that when the time comes. It’s still very surreal and I still have moments where I can’t believe that he’s not here. Tomorrow, the 4^th, will be 8 months. 8 MONTHS. I know where I’ll be… Watching the sunset at Crystal Beach in his memory. We love and miss you every day, Daddy….